With the cancelation of Gary Unmarried I have found myself standing around my house in a bit of a daze wondering, “Where am i going to make my living now?”. I am a fool. When I was sixteen years old, I walked onstage in West Orange New Jersey for the first time. That was 23 years and maybe ten thousand shows ago. I was lucky to make a few movies and after a some lateral moves professionally I landed the best role/job I ever had… Gary on Gary Unmarried. Television is an incredible way to make a living. Unlike the family/bunker structure of making a movie in a far away town, separated from realities and outsiders, a television job ensures that you will be home in your own bed, every night. You will kiss your kids and make love to your wife on a regular basis. Instead of trying to figure out which guy on the camera truck will get you grass for when you are back in your Canadian hotel room, you have the luxury of smoking YOUR grass, in YOUR house. (Of course I am speaking for most actors, not myself). I became very spoiled on GU, both financially and otherwise. I gained about twenty pounds simply from standing around MY set and eating. For two years I got to act like big shit. Then…poof. Gone. Now I am on some Mediterranean diet and running religiously along the pacific ocean. I have this strange obsession that whatever job comes next, the least I could do is be in good shape for it. Regardless, that same niggling thought keeps chirping in my brain, “When will I work again?” 

I am writing this to you from a hotel room in Pittsburgh. Last week I was in Cleveland. A few  weeks before that, Houston, Denver, Irvine, Las Vegas, Philly, New Jersey, Manhattan, Boston, Long Island and Manhattan. In September I will head to Brea, Ca then back to Denver and over to Salt Lake City. I look forward to all of these dates. I have re-discovered the root of who i am professionally. I am a comic. Always have been and always will be. I have been very, very lucky in landing the acting roles I have and hopefully will land many more. These past few months however have really taught me something special. Doing stand up comedy is a finite skill set and for some reason or another I seem to have the tools. I am fully aware that in each city I travel to, in the audience sit a group of people that work MUCH harder than I ever have. I feel the steam blow off of them when I say the first few words of my set. I try as hard as I can to take them as far away from their real lives as I possibly can. Contractually I am only required to perform for 45 minutes. Every night I seem to be stretching the set to an hour, hour and fifteen minutes, sometimes an hour and a half. The crowds never slow down on me. They come with me for the full ride. They carry it. They do all the heavy lifting. Lets face it., if the crowd sucks, I will be out of there in 45 minutes and one second. Hasn’t happened yet. It won’t happen. The people that fill our cities are just now getting back on their feet and are able to pull enough money together for a night out. When they decide for that night out to involve me I am honored and humbled. Thank you to everyone that has come out to all of these shows. Thank you for showing me that behind all the Jerry Maguire’s and Gary Unmarried’s is a sixteen year old kid that loves to make people laugh. Thanks for filling these rooms night after night. Thanks for not shouting out stupid shit during the shows. You have all been great listeners. Thank you for letting me take you for over an hour as far away from where you parked your car as possible. I LOVE doing stand up comedy. For reasons that are already well documented I couldn’t always say that. I’ve never enjoyed what I had to share more either. By your reactions, you agree. I will see you in all the cities I can. I no longer have the niggling thought, “What will my next job be?” I am a comic.

jj

I got fired today. many of you know what this feels like and I know most of the country has gone through something like this lately. it doesn’t take the sting out of it though. My television show, GARY UNMARRIED was, “Not picked up” by the network. it “wasn’t renewed”. These are fancy, network ways of saying, “You’re fired.” If you are reading this, chances are you enjoyed Gary Unmarried and rarely missed an episode. Thank you. I never missed one either.

I am pretty numb about the entire firing because it came after everyone involved did their jobs well. We didn’t loaf, we weren’t late, we didn’t bomb in the ratings. We just, “Didn’t get renewed.” I haven’t had this happen since MOHR SPORTS was dropped by ESPN. That move wasn’t particularly shocking. MOHR SPORTS was an incredibly ambitious project to begin with. We all knew ACTION was going away a few episodes in and the ratings showed we were watched by about as many people as Cricket in New Jersey.

What makes Gary Unmarried sting so bad is that everything seemed to be going so damn smoothly. The ratings weren’t great but they were pretty good. The people that watched the show liked it. it was on a very difficult night of comedy. OLD ADVENTURES OF NEW CHRISTINE then GARY UNMARRIED then CRIMINAL MINDS. Lets set the scorecard here. Girl comedy, guy comedy, serial killers. Strange grouping of programs no doubt. I would have loved to see how Gary would have done in a regular monday night slot. I would have loved to see what happened if Wednesday night was turned into a comedy night and gary got to stay. it didn’t. I’m fired. Unemployed.

In my perfect fantasy of my television world, I get dropped onto Criminal Minds as a profiler. Or maybe Garcia’s new boyfriend. I’m just sayin.

jj

Hi guys. Here is another blog entry. I think this entire blog thing is pretty strange. I must have an enormous ego to think that whenever I write something, you will quickly read it and leave a comment about how cool it was. I’m not even sure how many of you read this blog. Judging by the comments, not that many. In any case, since a blog is such a self grandizing experience, I will use this one to give thanks to people that seem to always help me and don’t get enough credit.

 The first time I did the Opie and Anthony radio show was in New York around 1998. They were afternoon drive time jocks on a rock and roll station. I went in to promote a local club date and quickly made friends for life. It seemed that O and A overbooked their guests that day so during my interview, they had a guy that does piercings in and interviewed both of us at the same time. Oh, i forgot to mention that during the piercer’s interview, he was piercing a girl’s clitoris on the counter in front of me.

Whenever I am n New York, I always try to stop in and say hello to the boys. I will always remember performing at a sold out Beacon Theater. It was because of Opie and Anthony that that place was sold out.

Through Opie and Anthony’s move to satellite radio I was introduced to Ron and Fez. HOLY SMOKES! RON BENNINGTON IS GOD. If you have never listened to this show it’s hard to explain other than it’s a couple of guys just talking. Somehow however, Ron Bennington could talk me into robbing a bank. After listening to a few Ron and Fez show, I fully understand how people get sucked into a cult and do whatever the leader says.

Recently I was in Denver and performed at the Comedy Works Theater. I went in studio to visit old friends, Lewis and Floorwax. After talking with these guys for about an hour, all five shows were completely sold out. It’s strange to think about how many people you are not only reaching but influencing while on the radio. What makes it so strange is you are lulled into a strange sense of comfort that only comes with hanging around old comics. In my mind, I was just sitting around and bullshitting. Apparently though, some pretty entertaining shit happened. Lewis and Floorwax have always been there for me when I have needed to push a project or sell a show and needed a Colorado bump.

This week I was in studio with Kevin and Bean in Los Angeles. These guys are an enigma in the radio world. They freaking OWN Southern California. They are just a couple of guys talking but they mix in great rock and roll too. Recently, they had a comedy concert called, “April Foolishness” that sold out the Universal Amphitheater in about five seconds. I performed that night and went on third. In front of about six THOUSAND people I had one of the best sets of my life. To say it was fun would belittle it. It was like being in another dimension. Kevin and Bean also do an annual “Weenie Roast” and, “Acoustic Christmas” These are always sold out and ROCK!

In short (too late) I just wanted to tell these radio guys that I know you could have any guest you want. I am just glad you have me. I am fully aware that shows don’t get sold out without you. All comics should know that.

jj

I just had the honor of hosting the 13th annual DICE awards at Red Rock Casino in Las Vegas. Basically, the DICE awards are the Oscars for video games. Gamers from all over the world (England, Japan etc..) come to Las Vegas to pay tribute to one another.

 This was my fifth time hosting and I must say the awards show has come a long, long way. The first time I hosted was at The Joint inside the Hard Rock Casino. About 500 or 800 people were milling about and then shuffling on stage to accept awards. Then the show was moved to a casino off the strip that I have since forgotten the name of. The past few years, the DICE awards have been held at Red Rock Casino. I think it’s appropriate that all of the world’s best gaming minds are in a hotel 15 miles off the strip. It is cool that they don’t have to share it with anybody.  I love that for at least one week of their lives, they are all surrounded by their peers. There are no interlopers (except me!).

 To stand in front of a room filled with now 2,000 people and be able to host this awards show is so gratifying. I have watched the gaming industry explode in just the 5 years that I have been involved. This year, IFC was broadcasting the show. So, now television is involved. Which is a great thing.

 It is high time that the rest of the world are able to put faces to the games they have been playing for hours and even days at a time. I said this on stage and I will say it again. As long as I live, I will never be as good at anything as the gaming industry people are at their jobs. What a great group of people.

 Thanks for having me back to help hand out incredibly deserved awards. If you’ll have me, I will do this forever.

 jay

Hey all. I just wrapped filming HEREAFTER with Matt Damon, directed by Clint Eastwood. I have run out of adjectives to explain how cool this all was. Six months ago, I was put on tape in a small room at Warner Brothers. It was a saturday and it was just me and the casting woman and her assistant. I went in to audition for the roll of, “Billy”, Matt Damon’s brother. 

I did my reading and left the room and the lot and left the entire experience behind me. I have found that thinking about auditions after the fact will make you crazy. I never understood when actors will call their agents and say, “Did you hear anything? Did they like me?” I’m pretty sure if the agent heard from the movie, you would be the FIRST person he would call. It’s not like agents are sitting around Hollywood saying, “Oh! I totally forgot. You got that movie. Sorry.”

The first time I met Clint Eastwood was on the set. He is more handsome in person and has a smile on his face at all times. He was very warm and relaxed. He doesn’t really give you any direction. He just says, “Whenever you’re ready.” and the scene begins. Perfect. He lets actors act. His crew has been his crew for fifteen years. Everyone knows each other and not a second of the day is waisted. I have never seen a more efficient operation in my entire life. Lights were set up and taken down in the same time it takes most other movies to hose down a street with water. Matt Damon gave me advice my first day, “Enjoy all of this because it is going to be over so fast you won’t even know what happened.” And here I am. Sitting at my computer after I have finished filming. I wonder what the hell just happened. I was supposed to work eight days and I only worked 4. The movie is way ahead of schedule. Everyone was so nice. No one even raised their voice. I am a very lucky guy to have had this experience. Whenever someone is kind, I think we should all share it.

Thank you to Clint (I call him Clint now cuz i’m such a big shot). Thank you to Matt Damon for being one of the guys. He really could have grown up on Valley View Rd. in Verona with me. Thank you Warner Brothers. Mostly thank you to my wife who the night before filming began told me, “You’re playing Bob Sugar if he never made it.” That cemented Billy for me. Thank you baby.

jj

Hi guys.

I have gotten a lot of emails from you asking why I have a giraffe tattoo. The answer is that my paternal grandfather used to collect giraffe statues. His house was filled with them. My grandfather was a great man. He did it all. He taught shop and was a band leader. “Jack Mohr and the High Hats”!  HE was a big wig in the cosmetics industry and had many famous friends and confidants.

When he was near the end of his life, he told me the reason he collected giraffes is that they reminded him to always stick his neck out for what he believed in. When he passed, I began collecting giraffes. Then I eventually got the tattoo.

There you go.

jj

My son wakes up so damn early he should have a morning radio show. Maybe he is destined to be a long shore fisherman. Maybe he just smokes meth. Regardless, each day my son expects me and/or my wife to get out of bed and start building Legos when it’s still dark out. One morning at around 5am, my son woke me up by saying, “Daddy, can we play video games?” I tell him, “Sure” and roll over and go back to sleep. As I am drifting off, a thought occurs to me. “What did he mean, ‘WE’?” I panicked and jumped out of bed. I walked into the living room where the video consoles are set up and I can already hear another set of legs and giggles from across the house. When I get to the video game area, I see my son playing Wii tennis with one of the kids from the neighborhood. They were both in their pajamas and they both had hair that stood straight up. They looked EXACTLY like thing one and thing two from The Cat in the Hat. I knew the kid’s face but I couldn’t really place his name to go with it. The sun wasn’t up yet and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I knew there was no sleep over last night and I woke up to pee at three in the morning and the kid wasn’t there yet. I knew my son must have let his buddy in sometime between 3:30 and 5am. I asked my son, “Who’s your friend?” My son turned to the other kid and asked, “What’s your name again?”

That’s it, everybody OUT! That’s all I need is stranger kids from the neighborhood walking around my house in their pajamas. Chris Hanson is about to walk out into my living room and tell me, “Why don’t you have a seat over there?”

jj

Okay, okay. I know I owe you guys a funny blog. I have been reminded by a few of you though that it has been YEARS since I wrote a sports blog. Hopefully to those of you that don’t care about sports, you will have compassion for the people that don’t care about the food network and vice versa…

 The World Series has started and so far the City of Brotherly Love has not been too brotherly. Wow! The Phillies dominated IBM, I mean the Yankees in game one. Cliff Lee pitched a complete game and looked BORED the entire time. I guess smacking the Yankees around ain’t what it used to be. Cliff Lee used to pitch for the Cleveland Indians. So did CC Sabathia. The manger of the Phillies, (The World Series Champion Phillies) is Charlie Manuel. He used to manage Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia for the Indians. I think it is safe to say that Indians management is pretty terrible at judging talent. The first two starting pitchers in the WS and the Champions’ manager all used to be employed by the city on the Cayahoga. Not sure how some General Managers keep their jobs. I know Mark Shapiro is a great guy though. I met him personally when I was at the Cleveland Improv a long time ago. I found him to be real cool and the players al respected him and spoke about him with smiles on their faces. Those players are all gone now too. Jim Thome. Richie Sexon. Victor Martinez. Cliff Lee. Omar Vizquel. Russel Branyan. Bartolo Colon. Now that I think about it, The Indians have given away more talent than the Washington Nationals have ever had! 

 I am looking forward to watching Pedro Martinez win another World Series ring. I love that guy. I love that he still rocks a Jeri Curl in 2009. It looks like Eazy-E is standing on the mound. I am also looking forward to hearing Charlie Manuel give a victory speech. This guy makes Foghorn Leghorn sound like Vincent Price. He sounds like a guy that would help you fix your lawn mower. He certainly doesn’t sound like a mastermind about to win a world series. I think the Phillies will win the series in 5 games. I don’t think Joe Girardi has what it takes to manage the Yankees. He also looks a little like a gorilla.

jj

I have been watching a lot more television than normal lately. Insomnia is great for catching up with all of your “Law and Orders”.

The Food Network is also a personal insomnia favorite of mine. I LOVE INA! I wish I could meet her and eat all of her food. DAMN that stuff looks great. They shoot most of the shows on The Food Network with more class than most movies that are out there. I think Alton Brown is a super funny guy and there is something about Guy Fieri that makes me want to share a bag of grass and a drive across the country with him. Maybe it’s the cool wrist band around his arm.

The person I am most impressed with on television these days is Anthony Bordain. His show is on the Travel Channel I believe. This guy is amazing. The places he travels to are impressive but somehow he makes wherever he is MORE impressive. He is an incredible writer. I love his book “Kitchen Confidential”.

I think I have succeeded in posting a COMPLETELY unfunny blog. It will be worth it if you check out anything by Anthony Bordain. Next blog will be funny.

All joke blog coming up next.
jj

I would like to address the website TMZ and the paparazzi in general.

Lately there have been a few photos of my wife and I walking to our car, walking to the market etc. The caption is always about how awful we look and how thin my wife is.

I never care about what these tools say and I am fully aware that getting your picture taken in public comes with the territory.  Fair enough. However,  I would like it on the record that the photos taken of us lately were taken as we were leaving the hospital where a very, VERY close family member is dying.  The person we are visiting will never get better. We are all so sleep deprived that we don’t make sense when we talk. Then we go to our jobs and we do not complain.

Sorry to TMZ for not looking better when leaving the bed side of someone asking for last rights. I will be sure to make my wife eat in between adjusting pillows for the terminally ill.  We don’t go out to movie premiers. We don’t act like jerks in public.  We are always polite.  We don’t drink or do drugs.  We just care for our family and friends.  Apparently we don’t look good enough while doing it.  I am okay with that.

I just ask that you go take pictures of shallow beautiful people instead.
jj