I just had the honor of hosting the 13th annual DICE awards at Red Rock Casino in Las Vegas. Basically, the DICE awards are the Oscars for video games. Gamers from all over the world (England, Japan etc..) come to Las Vegas to pay tribute to one another.

 This was my fifth time hosting and I must say the awards show has come a long, long way. The first time I hosted was at The Joint inside the Hard Rock Casino. About 500 or 800 people were milling about and then shuffling on stage to accept awards. Then the show was moved to a casino off the strip that I have since forgotten the name of. The past few years, the DICE awards have been held at Red Rock Casino. I think it’s appropriate that all of the world’s best gaming minds are in a hotel 15 miles off the strip. It is cool that they don’t have to share it with anybody.  I love that for at least one week of their lives, they are all surrounded by their peers. There are no interlopers (except me!).

 To stand in front of a room filled with now 2,000 people and be able to host this awards show is so gratifying. I have watched the gaming industry explode in just the 5 years that I have been involved. This year, IFC was broadcasting the show. So, now television is involved. Which is a great thing.

 It is high time that the rest of the world are able to put faces to the games they have been playing for hours and even days at a time. I said this on stage and I will say it again. As long as I live, I will never be as good at anything as the gaming industry people are at their jobs. What a great group of people.

 Thanks for having me back to help hand out incredibly deserved awards. If you’ll have me, I will do this forever.

 jay

Hey all. I just wrapped filming HEREAFTER with Matt Damon, directed by Clint Eastwood. I have run out of adjectives to explain how cool this all was. Six months ago, I was put on tape in a small room at Warner Brothers. It was a saturday and it was just me and the casting woman and her assistant. I went in to audition for the roll of, “Billy”, Matt Damon’s brother. 

I did my reading and left the room and the lot and left the entire experience behind me. I have found that thinking about auditions after the fact will make you crazy. I never understood when actors will call their agents and say, “Did you hear anything? Did they like me?” I’m pretty sure if the agent heard from the movie, you would be the FIRST person he would call. It’s not like agents are sitting around Hollywood saying, “Oh! I totally forgot. You got that movie. Sorry.”

The first time I met Clint Eastwood was on the set. He is more handsome in person and has a smile on his face at all times. He was very warm and relaxed. He doesn’t really give you any direction. He just says, “Whenever you’re ready.” and the scene begins. Perfect. He lets actors act. His crew has been his crew for fifteen years. Everyone knows each other and not a second of the day is waisted. I have never seen a more efficient operation in my entire life. Lights were set up and taken down in the same time it takes most other movies to hose down a street with water. Matt Damon gave me advice my first day, “Enjoy all of this because it is going to be over so fast you won’t even know what happened.” And here I am. Sitting at my computer after I have finished filming. I wonder what the hell just happened. I was supposed to work eight days and I only worked 4. The movie is way ahead of schedule. Everyone was so nice. No one even raised their voice. I am a very lucky guy to have had this experience. Whenever someone is kind, I think we should all share it.

Thank you to Clint (I call him Clint now cuz i’m such a big shot). Thank you to Matt Damon for being one of the guys. He really could have grown up on Valley View Rd. in Verona with me. Thank you Warner Brothers. Mostly thank you to my wife who the night before filming began told me, “You’re playing Bob Sugar if he never made it.” That cemented Billy for me. Thank you baby.

jj

Hi guys.

I have gotten a lot of emails from you asking why I have a giraffe tattoo. The answer is that my paternal grandfather used to collect giraffe statues. His house was filled with them. My grandfather was a great man. He did it all. He taught shop and was a band leader. “Jack Mohr and the High Hats”!  HE was a big wig in the cosmetics industry and had many famous friends and confidants.

When he was near the end of his life, he told me the reason he collected giraffes is that they reminded him to always stick his neck out for what he believed in. When he passed, I began collecting giraffes. Then I eventually got the tattoo.

There you go.

jj

My son wakes up so damn early he should have a morning radio show. Maybe he is destined to be a long shore fisherman. Maybe he just smokes meth. Regardless, each day my son expects me and/or my wife to get out of bed and start building Legos when it’s still dark out. One morning at around 5am, my son woke me up by saying, “Daddy, can we play video games?” I tell him, “Sure” and roll over and go back to sleep. As I am drifting off, a thought occurs to me. “What did he mean, ‘WE’?” I panicked and jumped out of bed. I walked into the living room where the video consoles are set up and I can already hear another set of legs and giggles from across the house. When I get to the video game area, I see my son playing Wii tennis with one of the kids from the neighborhood. They were both in their pajamas and they both had hair that stood straight up. They looked EXACTLY like thing one and thing two from The Cat in the Hat. I knew the kid’s face but I couldn’t really place his name to go with it. The sun wasn’t up yet and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I knew there was no sleep over last night and I woke up to pee at three in the morning and the kid wasn’t there yet. I knew my son must have let his buddy in sometime between 3:30 and 5am. I asked my son, “Who’s your friend?” My son turned to the other kid and asked, “What’s your name again?”

That’s it, everybody OUT! That’s all I need is stranger kids from the neighborhood walking around my house in their pajamas. Chris Hanson is about to walk out into my living room and tell me, “Why don’t you have a seat over there?”

jj

Okay, okay. I know I owe you guys a funny blog. I have been reminded by a few of you though that it has been YEARS since I wrote a sports blog. Hopefully to those of you that don’t care about sports, you will have compassion for the people that don’t care about the food network and vice versa…

 The World Series has started and so far the City of Brotherly Love has not been too brotherly. Wow! The Phillies dominated IBM, I mean the Yankees in game one. Cliff Lee pitched a complete game and looked BORED the entire time. I guess smacking the Yankees around ain’t what it used to be. Cliff Lee used to pitch for the Cleveland Indians. So did CC Sabathia. The manger of the Phillies, (The World Series Champion Phillies) is Charlie Manuel. He used to manage Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia for the Indians. I think it is safe to say that Indians management is pretty terrible at judging talent. The first two starting pitchers in the WS and the Champions’ manager all used to be employed by the city on the Cayahoga. Not sure how some General Managers keep their jobs. I know Mark Shapiro is a great guy though. I met him personally when I was at the Cleveland Improv a long time ago. I found him to be real cool and the players al respected him and spoke about him with smiles on their faces. Those players are all gone now too. Jim Thome. Richie Sexon. Victor Martinez. Cliff Lee. Omar Vizquel. Russel Branyan. Bartolo Colon. Now that I think about it, The Indians have given away more talent than the Washington Nationals have ever had! 

 I am looking forward to watching Pedro Martinez win another World Series ring. I love that guy. I love that he still rocks a Jeri Curl in 2009. It looks like Eazy-E is standing on the mound. I am also looking forward to hearing Charlie Manuel give a victory speech. This guy makes Foghorn Leghorn sound like Vincent Price. He sounds like a guy that would help you fix your lawn mower. He certainly doesn’t sound like a mastermind about to win a world series. I think the Phillies will win the series in 5 games. I don’t think Joe Girardi has what it takes to manage the Yankees. He also looks a little like a gorilla.

jj

I have been watching a lot more television than normal lately. Insomnia is great for catching up with all of your “Law and Orders”.

The Food Network is also a personal insomnia favorite of mine. I LOVE INA! I wish I could meet her and eat all of her food. DAMN that stuff looks great. They shoot most of the shows on The Food Network with more class than most movies that are out there. I think Alton Brown is a super funny guy and there is something about Guy Fieri that makes me want to share a bag of grass and a drive across the country with him. Maybe it’s the cool wrist band around his arm.

The person I am most impressed with on television these days is Anthony Bordain. His show is on the Travel Channel I believe. This guy is amazing. The places he travels to are impressive but somehow he makes wherever he is MORE impressive. He is an incredible writer. I love his book “Kitchen Confidential”.

I think I have succeeded in posting a COMPLETELY unfunny blog. It will be worth it if you check out anything by Anthony Bordain. Next blog will be funny.

All joke blog coming up next.
jj

I would like to address the website TMZ and the paparazzi in general.

Lately there have been a few photos of my wife and I walking to our car, walking to the market etc. The caption is always about how awful we look and how thin my wife is.

I never care about what these tools say and I am fully aware that getting your picture taken in public comes with the territory.  Fair enough. However,  I would like it on the record that the photos taken of us lately were taken as we were leaving the hospital where a very, VERY close family member is dying.  The person we are visiting will never get better. We are all so sleep deprived that we don’t make sense when we talk. Then we go to our jobs and we do not complain.

Sorry to TMZ for not looking better when leaving the bed side of someone asking for last rights. I will be sure to make my wife eat in between adjusting pillows for the terminally ill.  We don’t go out to movie premiers. We don’t act like jerks in public.  We are always polite.  We don’t drink or do drugs.  We just care for our family and friends.  Apparently we don’t look good enough while doing it.  I am okay with that.

I just ask that you go take pictures of shallow beautiful people instead.
jj

I took my son’s car seat out of my Escalade today. I had no idea that this simple act would make me so sad. Long gone are the days of digging out Cherios from the crease in his seat. No longer will I wipe down the head rest with wet paper towels because his juice box sprayed over his head. As a dad, I have long looked forward to my son getting older. I measure his height on the closet door in his bedroom. I have proudly marked off a half inch every few months and told him he was a “good grower’. I can still carry my son but only for a few minutes. Thankfully my son does not find this embarrassing. it just gets awkward when his feet keep banging my shins as we walk through CVS. He is a long guy. Lean and kind and missing his front teeth. I never thought you could miss someone as they stand right in front of you. I miss my three year old son. I miss the speech impediments and the waddle walk. I miss cutting grapes in half so he wont choke on them. I give this advice as strongly as I can to any parent reading this blog. DON’T MISS IT. Pay attention to your children because before you know it you are setting the car seat down in the garage next to the Thomas The Train table.

jj

I am home from the road. After two weeks, three states and two countries, my Pacific Northwest loop is closed. I first have to stress to you how freaking beautiful this part of the country is. I had no idea. Oregon is the most beautiful place I have ever seen not named Hawaii. The people in the towns I met were amazing. THANK YOU for all of you that came out to see my shows.

Every show was sold out except the Fox Theater in Spokane. Spokane stinks. I had a suite at the Davenport Hotel. I opened the curtains to my suite and had a majestic view of the children’s hospital of Spokane. How delightful to see helicopters coming and going onto and off of the roof. How relaxing. Only 500 people came out to see my show in Spokane, (which amazed me since there does not seem to be anything else AT ALL to do in Spokane). The theater holds one thousand and seven hundred. I sold five hundred tickets. oops. I wont be back.

Seattle, you’re freaking BEAUTIFUL!!! Vancouver, you guys were amazing but you were the only crowd not to stand at the end. Even the five hundred drunks in Spokane gave me a standing ovation. You guys were probably just tired from jogging and doing squats all day. Thank you to Tom Segura for being so much fun to be on the road with (Tom will be with me in Irvine June 18-21). Special thanks to my wife for making a three day drive incredibly fun. Thanks for helping me see new places like a child.  It is good to be home!

jj

SARAH MCLACHLAN MUST BE STOPPED!!!!!
Oh my God! I am so sick and tired of this woman’s commercials asking me to adopt abused and homeless bum pets. This commercial of hers seems to be following me. First the Sarah McLachlan music starts playing. It sounds like if an angel stubbed its toe. Then the commercial shows about a dozen dogs and cats in various degrees of disrepair. They show a cat stuck behind a wall (always hilarious). Then they show a dog that can’t stop shaking. (Maybe the shelter was cold?) Then Sarah McLachlan and her fucking halo come on and she says, “Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Everyday, thousands of pets are abused or abandoned”

She then goes on to ask me for money to help all the hungry dogs and cats out there. Is this bitch out of her mind?!!?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE HUNGRY PEOPLE?!?!?!

Seriously, each day all of us are asked by a homeless person or an addict living on the streets for spare change. Shouldn’t we help the hungry PEOPLE before we run thousands and thousands of commercials for a Lilith Fair act trying to get me to shell out money for a cat stuck behind a wall?

I love animals. I mean I freaking LOVE animals. I just think as a society we should find it in our infinite wisdom to run a few more commercials for the FOOD BANK then for hungry cats.

One of the dogs in the commercial has his entire body wrapped in an ace bandage like they just got him off the set of a freaking Tom and Jerry cartoon. Maybe they could wrap his head up in bandages too like he has a tooth ache on the Little Rascals. At one point in the commercial, during a particularly horrible portion of Sarah McLachlan’s ‘save these angels/animals song’, they show a dog that only has one eye. Now THAT is dog that I would adopt. I would name him Sammy Davis Jr. and I would tell my guests not to stare at him when they come over but I would train the dog to stare at my guests with his one eye all night. They would get freaked out and leave and then me and Sammy D would laugh and I would blow pot smoke in his face and tell him it was to keep his good eye healthy.

I wish Sarah McLachlan would do a commercial for the FOOD BANK. The levels of supplies are at an all time low. She could do us all a favor and NOT sing a song. The entire commercial could just be her walking into the food bank with a few trunk loads of non perishable items. As she walked out of the FOOD BANK, I would love to see a long line of hungry dogs and cats waiting there for her to take them all back to fucking Canada with her.

Me and Sammy D would love that.

 When Sean Penn was in New Orleans helping Katrina victims, one reporter asked him, “what about the animals?” He replied, “When in doubt, I go human.”

Amen brother.

jj